My sister, Tabitha, REALLY pisses me off!!!
Today she was SCREAMING at my youngest sister, who i love very dearly, Stephanie, who recently turned 11... some of what she said included the following (and this has been said over and over to her by Tabitha)
"You're pretty on the outside but your UGLY on the inside! Stop acting like your somebody cuz YOUR NOT! And you'll never be anybody the way you are, you're just gonna end up like Chris!"
That's really all I heard... then silence, broken by Stephanie coming into my room crying. God, her heart is too young to be broken, I see it in her eyes every day, bashing after bashing... she's so bright, her eyes have such a sparkle, and she has to be stuck in this dead end family with a controlling abusive sister and a brother who's always in trouble... god I feel bad for her. She cried on me, and cried, and cried. I told her not to listen to what Tabitha told her, and then he shocked me by asking "why shouldn't i, what if she's right?"
I kissed her on the forhead, and told her that she's 11 years old, and has already managed to achieve more than I ever even dreamed of achieving at her age. She flies through school like it's nothing, she makes friends left and right because she's always trying to help, and somehow she has the ability to ignore my wrongs, and still idolize me.
I try so hard to be a good brother, how I worry about her future years, especially when she gets to be like 15 or 16... what will she do? what paths will she take?
it is hard to ignore what I have done in my teenaged years, she looks up to me so much... will she become a chronic pothead and be running from police like I was? Will she give up on her future and fall into a life of dismay, like I did for so long?
I try to teach her and make sure she knows I'm always there for her, and I try to lead her away from my mistakes, but then Tabitha comes in and bashes all her hopes and dreams.
Stephanie wants to become a musician, she practices on my drumset quite often.... that is something I really can help her with, and I will....
i am so proud of her, she's a 11 year old genius.... sometimes I find it hard not to go up and beat the shit out of Tabitha... i don't give a fuck what anyone says about me, but when I see her put down Stephanie, it drives me crazy.
but i guess the important thing is.... no matter what Stephanie chooses to do, I will be behind her 100%. If she comes to me someday and tells me she's smoking pot, I'll probably yell at her a bit, but also reason with her... because I FUCKING UNDERSTAND!
and Stephanie is growing up with MUCH less than me and Tabitha did... our family is much less financially stable than it was when it was just me and Tab growing up.
I feel so bad... it should be me growing up with so little, and Stephanie should be in college by now.... instead of me blowing all my opportunities and being a sad sorry of a bitch of a human being.
Life is fucked up
I am such a bad role model, but I'm her biggest role model.... I have always tried to live up to the name.... maybe I've done a good job? I mean she really is an amazing person, especially for only being 11 years old... but I can not help but to think that I have been way too negative in so many ways to be a good role model.
and she loves Ifer so much, she like see Ifer as a queen of mine, it's SO CUTE! She's like "Ifer wears cool cloths, can you get some like that for me?"
hmmm.... Ifer I think it's time for you to educate her with Alice in Chains
Haha she also told me I'd make a good daddy
I really want to make a good father someday, I want to be everything most parents aren't. Fun, understanding, liberal, and most of all... you will NEVER EVER hear me put any kid (or wife, for that matter) of mine down, for anything! If I get angry, I will always try to take it out posetively... punishments will be somewhat harsh, but not unfair or hurtful.
why am i even talking about this?
am i growing up?
god... i am... i'm growing up
one thing is for sure... I LOVE LOVE LOVE STEPHANIE!
and by the end of the hour and a half that me and stephanie sat on my couch in a cuddle, she was smiling, and her eyes were sparkling again.
at least I've done SOMETHING right today
I <3 MY LIL SIS!